Why Some Doulas Don’t Help New Doulas (and How to Grow Without Shadowing)

---

The Silence That Stings

When I first became a doula, I reached out to others hoping for guidance. I was eager to learn, to belong, and to find someone who could show me the ropes. Some doulas responded warmly, but others didn’t respond at all. At first, I took it personally. I wondered if I said something wrong or if I was asking for too much. Over time, I learned that many birthworkers stay quiet not because they’re gatekeeping, but because they’ve learned how much giving can cost when it’s unreciprocated. They’re protecting their energy, their families, and their time. It took me a while to understand that.

The Doulas Who Gave Generously

Even in that silence, there were a few who reached back. They answered questions, shared wisdom, or even referred clients my way. Those small acts of generosity meant more than they probably realized. It reminded me that the best kind of community isn’t loud, it’s consistent. I always remember those who were willing to pour into me. I’ve since paid that same generosity forward.  

When Gatekeeping Isn’t Gatekeeping

There’s a misconception that doulas who charge for mentorship or advice are gatekeeping. But what’s really happening is stewardship. Experience takes time, mistakes, emotional labor, and investment to build. Offering it freely isn’t sustainable in a profession already known for burnout and underpricing.

It’s not selfish to charge for what took years to learn. It’s healthy and helps set the tone for boundaries and balance in birthwork. It’s no different than charging clients for labor or postpartum support. 

Some doulas will reach out just to gather free information. I’ve experienced this myself. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to learn, it becomes unbalanced when someone only values guidance they don’t have to invest in. That dynamic isn’t fair to the mentor, and it doesn’t build true respect for the work. The exchange, whether financial or otherwise, is what creates commitment, clarity, and care on both sides.

The Shift That Changed Everything

When I finally invested in a mentorship session, everything changed. It was one paid conversation, but it gave me something shadowing never could. I gained confidence on how to care, not just how to watch. That single decision shifted how I served families and helped me step into my work with clarity. That mentorship set me up to become fully booked and in demand. It showed me that the best lessons don’t always come from proximity; they come from presence and reflection.

The Shadowing Myth and Real Alternatives

Many new doulas believe shadowing is the best way to gain experience. I’ve seen so many posts in doula groups making this request. While it comes from a place of genuine desire to learn and it sounds good in theory, birth isn’t a classroom. It’s intimate, sacred, and deeply personal. I’ve personally worked with clients who could not have additional people in the room due to traumatic experiences.

We encourage families all the time to advocate for autonomy. These are not isolated incidents. Most families don’t want additional people in the room, and that’s okay. It’s not exclusion. It’s discernment.

Experience is ultimately learned through being hands-on. Shadowing might be one way to see birthwork in action, but learning what works and what doesn’t in real time is highly effective. Your own clients, choices, and even mistakes are powerful teachers. Each family, each birth, each postpartum season teaches you something different.

Here are a few other ways to grow:

• Mentorship: Learn through real-time guidance, reflection, and supported independence.

• Case Reflection and Debrief Calls: Process your experiences after each client interaction and gain emotional clarity.

• Simulation and Role Play: Practice consultations, boundary-setting, and postpartum conversations with a mentor or peer.

• Peer Learning Circles: Gather small groups of doulas to share stories, lessons, and solutions. Everyone learns together.

• Hands-On Experience: Take the calls, take the clients, and learn in the field. Real experience builds confidence, adaptability, and lessons that no classroom can replicate.

  
  

These approaches offer a more diverse entry into birthwork than shadowing alone, which often teaches just one person’s style or way of doing things. Real growth happens when you begin trusting your own approach and learning how you serve best, not just how someone else does.

The Responsibility of the New Doula

Growth is a two-way exchange. If you want mentorship, show respect by investing. This can be anything from a small payment, a coffee, all the way to a full mentorship program, or a call with a fee attached. Mentorship isn’t charity; it’s an exchange that honors both people. Your growth matters enough to pay for, and your mentor’s wisdom matters enough to invest in. 

Growth also asks for more than mentorship. Invest the time. Invest the courage. Be willing to extend yourself beyond doula training. You will stretch beyond your comfort zone by learning through experience. These will test your patience but also strengthen your confidence and refine your skills.

Rebuilding Real Community

Community doesn’t happen by chance. It’s built through reciprocity, boundaries, and intention. We don’t need to replicate what others do. Instead, we need to cultivate care that lasts. The community we want begins with how we treat each other, and how we care for ourselves while caring for others.

Maybe what we all need is to embrace what we tell our clients: “there’s a doula for everyone.” Not everyone you reach out to will be your guide or mentor, but someone will. Sometimes that guidance looks different than expected. It might come from a midwife who lets you assist, a lactation counselor who sends you a referral, or a pelvic floor therapist who shares wisdom about the body’s rhythms. Guidance can come from anywhere when your heart stays teachable. Keep learning. Keep serving. Keep showing up as the kind of support you once needed.

If you're ready to grow your confidence as a new doula without shadowing, I guide you through bridging the gap from training to gaining hands on experience in my eBook From Training to Clients. Click below for an instant download so you can start today!

Get the eBook

---

Written by Kendra of Heart-Centered Birthwork™

Each reflection is a note from my own experience. I share these lessons to help doulas and birthworkers create sustainable practices that honor both families and themselves.

Explore more tools and reflections at Heart-Centered Birthwork™